If you’ve ever thought, “I like Donald Trump
and his policies and his hair, but I really just wish
he could read,” well, then, Great Britain
has the leader for you. WOMAN: Breaking news
out of London this morning. There’s a new prime minister
for Britain. Boris Johnson will take over
from Theresa May. MAN:
Johnson is a divisive figure, seen by many
as Britain’s Donald Trump. Blond, brash, a populist, fond of anti-immigrant
rhetoric, who’s built a career
twisting the truth. I know some-somewhere
that it was already pointed out that “Deliver, unite and defeat”
was not the perfect acronym for an election campaign, since, unfortunately,
it spells “dud.” But they forgot the final “E,”
my friends. “E” for energize.
And I say to all the doubters, “Dude, we are going
to energize the country. We’re gonna get Brexit done!” “Dude! Dude! Where is my motor vehicle,
dude?” You know what I love
about Brexit, is how confident everyone is when
they come in to the job. Yeah? Like everyone before them hasn’t
failed at Brexit dismally. It’s already wiped out
two prime ministers. But the next guy’s like,
“All right, my turn. Let’s do it! Come on, Brexit!
Brexit!” Brexit is basically the
cinnamon challenge of politics. That’s what it is. Yeah. Everyone starts at like, “Hey, guys,
I’m gonna be doing the Brexit. It’s gonna be super…”
(imitates choking, coughing) (laughter) I mean, if I came into the job,
I would be a lot more humble. I would just be like,
“Uh, look, uh, we’ve seen “that Brexit is not
messing around, “uh, so here’s a shotgun. “If it’s looking really bad,
just finish me off. Thank you very much.” Moving on.
If you’re one of those people who spent last week saying,
“It’s so hot. I wish we could cool down
with some rain,” well, your wish was granted,
you son of a bitch. This deadly heat wave that
we’ve been having has broken, but now we’ve got the rain,
and you can see it. Of course,
the East Coast was hit hard by severe thunderstorms. WOMAN 2: Severe storms
creating travel nightmares in the region
throughout the night, bringing traffic
on one major highway to a complete stop
during the evening commute. New York City subway riders
inundated by unexpected
indoor waterfalls. One New Yorker bravely walking through flood waters
up to her thighs. At airports, delayed
and canceled flights piled up. Our own Craig Melvin
surrounded by frustrated flyers at New Jersey’s Newark Liberty
International Airport. That’s right. Yesterday,
New York City got floods from Brooklyn
all the way to Queens. Cars couldn’t drive, subways were filling up
with water, and most tragically,
Pizza Rat drowned. (laughter) Yeah, turns out
there was only room for his girlfriend
on that slice of pizza. He had to make a choice. And by the way, just so
we’re all on the same page, first we had the giant
heat wave, right? We got floods. Plus, there’s earthquakes
in California, and we’ve got a plague
of measles? Guys, I think God is trying
to send us a message. I, uh… I don’t quite remember
the Old Testament, but I think
he’s working up to something. Like, he’s either
gonna wipe us out, or he’s dropping a new album.
I don’t know how this works. All I’m saying is,
if you’re a firstborn son, you might want
to get your affairs in order. That’s all I’m saying. Oh, and by the way, by the way, this is a per-personal thing
for me. Like, I know that being stranded
in an airport is frustrating, but I’m always shocked
when I see people complaining to airport staff that a plane
can’t take off in a storm. You’ve always got those people
who are like, “Oh, I-I want to take off!” “Well, yeah, it’s a storm! But who you mad at?” “I don’t care.
I have somewhere to be.” “Is that somewhere heaven?
Then shut the (bleep) up!” (laughter) Stop being assholes!
There’s a storm! (cheers and applause) Like, you see these people
all the time in the thing. They’re just like, “Aah! I can’t
believe we’re not flying!” “Yeah, well, no one can believe
we’re not flying.” You know what?
There should be a special flight for all of those people
who complain, yeah. Everyone who wants to fly,
they should be like, “Oh, you want to fly? Okay, go.
Go and fly, go and fly. “Go and fly. See what happens. No, no, go and fly.
Go and fly.” Yeah,
that’s what every airport needs. (applause and cheering) Basically, every airport in America just needs
an African father, right? ‘Cause that’s what
African parents will do. They’ll threaten you with the
thing you’re complaining about. You’ll be like,
“Why aren’t we flying?!” They’ll be, “You want to fly?
You want? “Go and fly! Go and fly! “Go and fly.
See what happens to you. Go on and fly.
You’ll see what happens!” Then the plane crashes there. “Okay, who’s next?
Anybody next?” (laughter) Finally, if you’re a cat, you’re probably having
a great month of July. There’s a movie
coming out about you, and if you live in New York,
you get to keep your claws. New York State
now leading the way when it comes
to taking care of cats. It is the first in the country
to ban declawing the felines. Advocates in favor of the ban
say declawing causes not only severe pain but lasting
psychological damage for cats. Pet advocates say the practice that has gone on
for decades is cruel. The common reason
pet owners declaw their cats is to protect their furniture. That’s right.
New York has passed a law saying that you
cannot remove a cat’s claws. Which is great news, because
I always thought that declawing was a little weird,
especially since American laws still allow cats
to own assault rifles. -Like, I don’t get it.
-(laughter) But… but on a serious note, like,
I’ve always found it strange that people want to have animals but, then, also want to change
what makes them that animal. Some people are like,
“I want a cat, “but I don’t want my furniture to get scratched
or hair on my carpet.” Then you don’t want a cat,
you want a Roomba. -That’s what you want, okay?
-(laughter) Don’t get the cat
and then clip their nails out. It’s the same thing with people
who clip, like, a bird’s wings. “I want a bird
that doesn’t fly.” No, no. Or, like, people
who cut off a dog’s tail. It’s just, like,
what do you want? “Yeah, I like the wagging,
but it just distracts me from the dog’s butt.”
Like, what are you doing? Imagine if they did that to you.
That should be the law. They should say your animal
can do to you what… Like, if your dog just thought
you talked too much, and your dog was like, “Yeah,
we should get rid of the tongue. Yeah.”
So you’re like, “Mm!” It’s like,
“Yeah, that’s so much better.”