After 35 days of the longest
shutdown in American history, America’s government is
officially open for business. The shutdown is over. 800,000 furloughed
federal workers will go back to work today and should be getting
their back pay within days. TV REPORTER: That fix only opens
the government for three weeks, and it does not provide
any new money for a border wall as
President Trump had demanded. I am very proud
to announce today that we have reached a deal
to end the shutdown and reopen
the federal government. Okay, first of all, there’s
nothing to be proud of. Second of all, there’s not
really a deal. Like, have you ever noticed how
all of Trump’s accomplishments are just fixing things
that he broke? He’s like, “Folks, good news. I’ve freed the immigrant kids
from their cages.” “Wait, who put them in cages?” “Also me. “I’m glad to announce North Korea isn’t gonna
blow us up anymore.” “Wait, why were they gonna
blow us up?” “‘Cause I called him
a fat little rocket man.” (laughter and applause) And who can forget
when he dropped the White House bust
of Abraham Lincoln, but then he was also the one
who taped it back together. Yeah. And you can’t even tell
the difference. He’s like,
“I’m proud to announce “the refurbishment
of this Lincoln statue. “Sadly, it was not filled
with candy as I had hoped, folks.” So, the government shutdown
is officially over. Which is great, because federal workers
are getting paid again. The FDA can inspect food again, and the national parks
can finally clean up their trash and put it where it belongs:
the ocean. And although the shutdown ended, that doesn’t mean it hasn’t
left behind some lasting damage. The nonpartisan Budget Office
today estimated the last partial shutdown
cost the economy $11 billion, three billion of which
will never be recovered. The government shutdown
was particularly hard on contract employees. Those contractors
aren’t guaranteed back pay. The IRS is gonna be struggling to get returns out
to some Americans on time. It could take at least a year
to get back to normal after five million pieces
of mail went unopened. You know, life is so unfair. The IRS just gets to be like, “Oh, sorry.
We couldn’t do your taxes because we didn’t open
our mail.” But if we tried that… If we said,
“Oh, we didn’t file our taxes because we didn’t open
our mail,” now all of a sudden we’re
roommates with Wesley Snipes. And don’t get me wrong. I love Blade,
but not 24 hours a day. So, now, thanks to the shutdown, the IRS is behind, like, a year, which is bad news for everyone
except Trump. He’s probably gonna be like,
“Oh, that’s too bad. I was just about to have them
release my tax returns.” So, although
it was only 35 days, the government shutdown’s
effects will continue to hurt America
for a while. And maybe it would have been
all worth it for Trump if he had gotten some
of that sweet, sweet wall money, but he folded
with nothing to show for it. And even some of his strongest
supporters are admitting that Trump got owned
by Nancy Pelosi bigly. Some right-wing media analysts
have been merciless in the criticism
of President Trump. “Broken man.” “Biggest wimp.” “Trump just allowed Nancy
to walk all over him.” It’s clear
Trump did not come out on top. I’m not gonna spin it for you. She has just whipped the
president of the United States. -And this…
-No! No, no. Stop. Stop, stop. That’s a victory
for Nancy Pelosi. It will be perceived as such on every television monitor
and screen in the country, and to deny it is to try
to escape from reality. Damn. You know it’s bad when even Trump’s personal
cheerleaders are dunking on him. You understand these are the
people he watches every night to make him feel good
about himself, and now they’re trashing him. It’s like,
imagine if you had a book of inspirational quotes
that you used every day, and then one day you opened it, and it was like,
“Nigga, kill yourself!” That’s the pain
he’s feeling right now. (laughter) And you heard…
you heard what Lou Dobbs said. If you can’t acknowledge that Nancy Pelosi
whupped Trump’s ass, then you are not in touch
with reality. And honestly, I don’t know why Lou Dobbs delivered
this message on TV. He could have just posted a sign
in the Fox News breakroom. Anyone out there, by the way, thinking President Trump
caved today, you don’t really know
the Donald Trump I know. He right now
holds all the cards. He will secure the border
one way or another. I don’t see it as a cave.
I see this as a process. This is a halftime, uh, stop
in the action. So, did he cave? Did he not? The answer is
absolutely he did not cave. He did not cave. He made a tactical decision, a strategy decision to pick the ground to fight on. “To pick the ground to fight on! To pick the ground!” Yo, this… I’m sorry,
this is unbelievable. No matter what Trump does,
he’s always a mastermind who’s accomplishing
precisely what he wanted to do. Like, if Trump was boxing
and he got knocked out cold, like, Jeanine Pirro
would be like, “Brilliant. “Another strategic
consciousness pause “by President Trump. You can’t get knocked down
if you stay on the ground!” (laughter and applause) What a… But, look, if you ignore
the stans over at Fox News, it’s pretty clear this shutdown was a political disaster
for President Trump. It hurt the economy, it destroyed
his approval ratings, and, worst of all,
he’s not getting his wall. And remember,
Congress only has three weeks to reach an agreement
on border security before the government
runs out of money again. But the good news is… the good news is there probably
won’t be another shutdown. Because after seeing
how bad this shutdown went, like, only a true moron would think of shutting down
the government again, and no one…
no one is that stupid, right? We begin today
with the president’s acting chief of staff,
Mick Mulvaney. Is the president really prepared to shut down the government
again in three weeks? Um, yeah,
I think he actually is. My man.

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