WELCOME ONE AND ALL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LADIES, WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAD A FANTASTIC ONE. YOU KNOW WHY? I DID NOT READ THE NEWS BECAUSE
IT HAS BEEN A LITTLE DARK. ( LAUGHTER )
THURSDAY NIGHT, WE ALMOST WENT TO WAR WITH IRAN, AND THAT WAS
THE STORY FROM THE SMILE FILE. ( LAUGHTER )
I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THAT IN PART TWO OF OUR
ALREADY-TOO-LONG-RUNNING SERIES: —
( DRUM BEAT )>>AMERICA AT WHAAA? ( LAUGHTER )
>>STEPHEN: LAST WEDNESDAY NIGHT, IRAN SHOT DOWN AN
UNMANNED U.S. DRONE, AND NOBODY KNEW WHAT PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS
GOING TO DO, INCLUDING PRESIDENT TRUMP BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO
OFFICIALS, ON THURSDAY NIGHT, THE PRESIDENT APPROVED A STRIKE
ON IRAN. AS LATE AS 7:00 P.M., PLANES
WERE IN THE AIR AND SHIPS WERE IN POSITION, BUT NO MISSILES HAD
BEEN FIRED WHEN WORD CAME TO STAND DOWN. SO WE WERE POISED TO START A WAR
WITH IRAN, BUT DONALD TRUMP DID THE RIGHT THI–(GAGS). ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I’M SORRY. I’M NOT USED TO SAYING THAT SORT
OF THING. TRUMP MADE THE CORRECT MORAL
(GAGS). ( LAUGHTER )
POINT IS, THIS IS THE FIRST THING THAT TRUMP HAS EVER
ORDERED THAT HE DIDN’T FINISH. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: WOW.>>Stephen: FRIDAY MORNING
TRUMP EXPLAINED, “WE WERE COCKED AND LOADED TO
RETALIATE LAST NIGHT ON THREE DIFFERENT SIGHTS (MISSPELLED)
WHEN I ASKED, HOW MANY WILL DIE. ‘150 PEOPLE, SIR,’ WAS THE
ANSWER FROM A GENERAL. 10 MINUTES BEFORE THE STRIKE, I
STOPPED IT.” OKAY, I APPRECIATE THE
SENTIMENT. HE DOESN’T WANT CASUALTIES, BUT
ISN’T THAT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD CHECK BEFORE YOU’VE ORDERED THE
STRIKE? (AS TRUMP)
“OKAY, I HAVE THIS GUN, IT’S FULL OF BULLETS, THE HAMMER’S
PULLED BACK, AND– WHAT DOES THIS THING DO WHEN I PULL THE
TRIGGER? DO FRUIT ROLL UPS COME OUT?”
WHAT HAPPENED? ALSO, I JUST WANT TO SAY “COCKED
AND LOADED”? THE EXPRESSION IS “LOCKED AND
LOADED.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
(AS TRUMP) “WE WERE COCKED AND LOADED, WE
WERE AT DEFCOCK 5, ABOUT TO RAIN DOWN A LITTLE COCK AND AWE. IT WAS JUST A TINY LITTLE
MUSHROOM CLOUD .” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT? WHAT? A TACTICAL NUCLEAR WEAPON.>>Jon: I AIN’T TOUCHING THAT.>>Stephen: TRUMP EXPLAINED
HIMSELF FURTHER IN AN INTERVIEW WITH HOST OF
“MEET THE PRESS,” CHUCK TODD, SEEN HERE FIST BUMPING HIS
BIGGEST FAN. ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP SAID HE GAVE IRAN A PASS THIS TIME, BUT THINGS MIGHT BE
DIFFERENT IN THE FUTURE.>>I’M NOT LOOKING FOR WAR AND,
IF THERE IS, IT’LL BE OBLITERATION LIKE YOU’VE NEVER
SEEN BEFORE. BUT I’M NOT LOOKING TO DO THAT.>>STEPHEN: HE DOESN’T WANT TO,
BUT YOU MIGHT TRIGGER A MASSIVE RESPONSE. HE’S LIKE BRUCE BANNER. (AS TRUMP)
“YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY. OR WHEN I’M HAPPY OR WHEN I’M
EATING.” ( LAUGHTER )
“NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.” TRUMP WAS PROUD OF HIMSELF. ACCORDING TO ONE SOURCE, HE
LIKED THE COMMAND OF APPROVING THE STRIKE, BUT ALSO THE
“DECISIVENESS” OF CALLING IT OFF. IT’S SIMPLE. DONALD TRUMP LIKES THE
DECISIVENESS OF CALLING OFF THE TERRIBLE COMMAND DONALD TRUMP
JUST GAVE. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN TODAY, TRUMP ANNOUNCED NEW SANCTIONS ON IRAN, AND AT THE
SIGNING CEREMONY, HE EXPLAINED ONE OF THE REASONS HE CALLED OFF
THE STRIKE.>>OBVIOUSLY, THE PEOPLE OF IRAN
ARE GREAT PEOPLE. YOU KNOW, I KNOW MANY OF THEM. I
LIVED IN NEW YORK. I HAVEN’T BEEN THERE VERY MUCH
THE LAST TWO AND A HALF YEARS, BUT I KNOW MANY IRANIANS LIVING
IN NEW YORK AND THEY’RE FANTASTIC PEOPLE. I HAVE MANY FRIENDS THAT ARE
IRANIAN.>>STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
“I DIDN’T BOMB THEM THIS TIME, BUT IF I CHANGE MY MIND, YOU
SHOULD ALL KNOW THAT I’D BE OBLITERATING SOME FANTASTIC
PEOPLE. REALLY GREAT. THEY WILL BE MISSED.” ( LAUGHTER )
IRAN’S NOT THE ONLY THING TRUMP CHANGED HIS MIND ABOUT THIS
WEEKEND. ON SUNDAY, ICE PLANNED TO
CONDUCT A MAJOR OPERATION IN MULTIPLE CITIES TO ROUND UP AND
DEPORT UNDOCUMENTED FAMILIES. EVEN UNDOCUMENTED PARENTS WHO
HAVE CHILDREN WHO ARE U.S. CITIZENS, SO “IT IS POSSIBLE
PARENTS COULD BE DEPORTED WHILE THEIR CHILDREN ARE LEFT BEHIND.” ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
HOW DID THAT BRAINSTORMING MEETING GO? “ALL RIGHT, GUYS. COME ON, I NEED SOME NEW IDEAS. TAKING KIDS FROM THEIR PARENTS
WAS A DISASTER. COME ON, TOSS OUT SOME NEW
IDEAS!” UH… ( LAUGHTER )
WELL… ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT IF… WE TOOK… THE PARENTS… AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN? ( LAUGHTER )
“I LOVE IT!” ( LAUGHTER )
THANKFULLY, ON SATURDAY TRUMP ANNOUNCED HE’LL DELAY THE
DEPORTATION OPERATION. WHAT CHANGED HIS MIND? APPARENTLY, HIS BUDDY NANCY
PELOSI CALLED HIM FRIDAY NIGHT, AND TODAY SHE REVEALED WHAT SHE
SAID TO HIM:>>YOU’RE SCARING THE CHILDREN
OF AMERICA.>>Stephen: AND THE ADULTS
AREN’T DOING TOO WELL EITHER! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CROSS TALK BETWEEN JON AND STEVE )
TRUMP EXPLAINED ON TWITTER: “AT THE REQUEST OF DEMOCRATS, I
HAVE DELAYED THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION REMOVAL PROCESS
(DEPORTATION) FOR TWO WEEKS TO SEE IF THE DEMOCRATS AND
REPUBLICANS CAN GET TOGETHER AND WORK OUT A SOLUTION TO THE
ASYLUM AND LOOPHOLE PROBLEMS AT THE SOUTHERN BORDER. IF NOT, DEPORTATIONS START! SO HIS SHRED OF HUMAN DECENCY
HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S LIKE IF SCROOGE HAD GOTTEN UP ON CHRISTMAS MORNING, AND
SAID: (AS SCROOGE)
“YOU THERE, BOY, HERE’S A SHINY SHILLING. GET ME THE PRIZE TURKEY IN THE
WINDOW. AND MAKE IT QUICK, BECAUSE IN 12 HOURS I’M GOING TO
TURN BACK INTO A COMPLETE JERK ( LAUGHTER )
I’M GOING TO KICK TINY TIM’S CRUTCH! OOOH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT TRUMP IS HOPEFUL THAT THE BORDER IS AN EASY FIX, AS HE
SAID YESTERDAY DURING HIS APPEARANCE ON CHUCK THE TODD.>>YOU KNOW WHAT? IF THEY CHANGE THOSE, I SAY, I
USED TO SAY 45 MINUTES. IT’S 15 MINUTES. IF THEY CHANGED ASYLUM AND IF
THEY CHANGED LOOPHOLES, EVERYTHING ON THE BORDER WOULD
BE PERFECT.>>STEPHEN: YES, DESPITE YEARS
OF DISAGREEMENT ON OUR IMMIGRATION LAWS, TRUMP IS
PROMISING TO FIX THE BORDER QUICKER THAN DOMINO’S CAN
DELIVER A PIZZA. (AS TRUMP)
“YOU KNOW MY GUARANTEE: WE’RE DONE IN 15 MINUTES OR I
COMPLETELY LOSE INTEREST. WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT
AGAIN? HEY, HOW DID THE BOMBING OF IRAN
GO? WHAT! WHY?”
( LAUGHTER )

100 thoughts on “Trump Was ‘Cocked And Loaded’ To Strike Iran”

  1. Wouldn't it be cool If we could ever have episodes of Colbert where he doesn't bring up trump. So Sick of hearing Trumps name dude there's more to life than this. At what point does this become a political agenda?How about trying to be funny instead of brainwashing us. You sold your soul Colbert. When you asked Dem candidate Tulsi Gabbert why David Duke supported her your intensions became completely transparent. I used to love Colbert; now I can't bear to watch him.

  2. we have a sex offender registry that would love to take care of their children till their parents got their anchor babies back.

  3. I would rather the American taxpayers spend a trillion dollars solving the issue of scarcity and privatization of potable water for people like the Navajo Nation or Flint, MI than to spend one more penny killing those in foreign countries that were never initially aggressive towards us. It should now be obvious to all intelligent people what American Indians and Blacks have known forever – If you are not part of the economic top 5%, you should hurry up and die…

  4. Elections are obviously coming nearer. I see it as a failed combination of the old popularity trick by starting a war and avoiding the blame for starting one.

  5. I see the comment section is full of hate as usual. People around Trump are pushing for him to go to war, but he's not going for it, otherwise we would be at war already. Trump needs to fire those around him pushing for war. If you watch CNN and Steven Colbert you may not agree with me, but can we at least agree that we our country doesn't need another war? Can we at least agree on that?!

  6. Questions: It's 10 minutes before the strikes that Trump is worried about the number of casualties? Is such a balance sheet not to be included in the establishment of this "project"? Other questions arise but are in the medical field.
    Questions : C'est 10 mn avant les frappes que Trump s'inquiéte du nombre de pertes en vies humaines ? Un tel bilan n'est-il pas à inclure dans l'établissement de ce "projet" ? D'autres questions se posent mais sont du domaine médical.

  7. I am in a Dutch library in Leyden and now I am watching this: people are looking at me (at 01:17) and asking: Why is this man laughing so much….??

  8. The real term is Cocked and Loaded…it is an old west term. Do your homework. Think about it "Locked??? and loaded??? That sounds like a drunk shut in!

  9. the crazy SOB drops words like obliterate Iranians…. this mad man must be stopped…. he is a sickening world burner… Oh YEAH, take children away from their parents… a sick policy…

  10. can someone explain what Iran has done that approves a first-strike? according to the experts Iran is obeying the agreement to not develop Nuclear power/weapons. just because Obama signed it Trump is going to start a war

  11. We very much want to see the phone logs for the White House, scan for calls made to Trump just before the change of heart.
    I AM certain there will be calls form the countries neighboring Iran, such as Isreal and Russia.
    'NO DOUBT his decision was influenced, yet none dare call these talks collusion.

    Now lock down this cock I am going to get loaded. And… there is the joke about his cok we knew was coming.

  12. …actually Stephen, cocked is a gun term…it means ready to fire…guess a corporate ass servant like you wouldn't know….

  13. …and not a word about sex traffickers taking children who are not related….compassion Stephen? Not in your shit show…

  14. 2020 GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP GET OUT TRUMP!!!!!!!!

  15. This reminds me of Bush. "Well, we'll never be fooled again." That moron set all in motion and how much did THAT cost us? He uses our money like it's nothing. He plays with our military and our money like it's his own game. And here we go again with the, "many of them are my friends," lies. What I wouldn't give to pick him up, throw him in Trump Towers, lock it all up and throw away the key. Never letting him out again until he pays all the contractors that he owes, pays all off all the thousands of lawsuits against him and finally shows us his tax returns. What do you want to bet he hasn't paid taxes for 21 years? WHY is it taking so long to see them?? Songs

  16. I know the BEST Iranians. HA HA probably counts his black freinds,I hate when people do that trying to make 🙄 themselves not look racist, it makes 🤬 it worse. Colbert, also a Charlstonian. Knew I liked you for some reason.😜🙂

  17. While I don't like that Trump is essentially holding undocumented immigrants hostage by threatening to deport them and separate families, it would shine a bad light on Congress (mostly the Democrats) if they couldn't come to an agreement on reforms. Trump is putting pressure on Congress to "save" the immigrants, which might be a deplorable move but an politically excellent one. Of course, the Democrats will probably come up with something, the Republicans will stall/reject it (even if the plan is viable), Trump might make good on his threat, and then the blame game begins.

    Edit: Not saying I support Trump's decision, but I recognize the logic behind it. This is politics, so common morals and consistency of ideas are out the window.

  18. Cocked and loaded most definitely describes Donald Trump. 🙄

    PS does he know any other words besides "great" & "amazing"? 🤣🙄 What a clown. 🤡🖕🏻

  19. Colbert's mouth is only good for Trump's C0ck holster. I mean, that is what one might say if one was a gay hater like Cobert. Clearly he views oral sex between men to be offensive.

  20. One day all Americans will wish Donald Trump was around to shore up a declining empire.
    And its what's happened in all of history.
    The strong leaders are missed when times get tough and there are no tough men around
    One president standing up against all he perceives are not in the best interest of his nation
    Standing up against
    Syria
    Russia
    China
    North Korea
    And even traditional allies;
    Europe
    Canada
    Mexico
    Wow that's takes a lot of guts

  21. With my apologies to the spirits of Oscar Hammerstein II and Richard Rodgers:

    How do you solve a problem like the Donlad?
    How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
    How do you find a word that means the Donlad?
    A flibbertigibbet! A will-o’-the wisp! A clown!

    Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him,
    Many a thing he ought to understand.
    But how do you make him stay
    And listen to all you say?
    How do you keep a wave upon the sand?

    Oh, how do you solve a problem like the Donlad?
    How do you hold a mooncalf in your hand?

    —ooo—

    When I’m with him I’m confused,
    Out of focus and bemused,
    And I never know exactly where I am.
    Unpredictable as weather,
    He’s as flighty as a feather.
    He’s a halfling! He’s a demon! He’s a sham!

    He’d outpester any pest,
    Drive a hornet from its nest,
    He could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl.
    He is callous! He is wild!
    He’s a riddle! He’s a child!
    He’s a headache! He’s a rascal!
    He’s a churl!

    How do you solve a problem like the Donlad?
    How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
    How do you find a word that means the Donlad?
    A flibbertigibbet! A will-o’-the wisp! A clown!

    Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him,
    Many a thing he ought to understand.
    But how do you make him stay
    And listen to all you say?
    How do you keep a wave upon the sand?

    Oh, how do you solve a problem like the Donlad?
    How do you hold a mooncalf in your hand?

  22. "Obliteration like you've never seen it before." What, even worse than Trump going through a box of Twinkies?

  23. Sometimes Trump seems to see the world ,through his "cock obessed eyes". And everything he does is "bigger than you thought possible,believe me" Bullshit.

  24. with all the covfefe mistakes in his bigly vocabulary its a surprise the american people love him so much.

  25. Trump likes to feel the thrill of showing the whole world he's in charge, toying with them by saying, "I'll do it. No, maybe I won't. Wait, I think I will…" so everybody on the planet will hang on his every word. Also, he wants people to think he's a nice guy, like he cares about 1 Iranian, let alone 150, or cares about the suffering of immigrant children. No, he doesn't. Not. One. Bit.

  26. I hit the like button before he even begins. I just see him and like. COS I KNOW IT'S GONNA BE GOOD!

  27. A "War" with Iran?

    You mean American tech taking out Iranian strong points with less casualties than a bunch of skinny men on tall rocks in a rain storm.

    The US has no will to take casualties anymore.

    Locked and loaded. Lol. Cocked and loaded. LOL.

    Same shit. But hes dumb so who cares.

    Hes cocked and loaded but theres no round in the chamber.

  28. Way to go Stephen Colbert, stoke the SECOND CIVIL war, try to resurrect EDMUND RUFFIN for your next show. Travis Bickle is a good start but I am so looking forward to seeing the countries fabric TORN to SHEDS. Please Please Please, encourage Ilhan Omar to come back every night that you can.

  29. I love how he didn't point out most of his audience didn't know the phrase was originally either, lol XD Guess it's not as funny

  30. it's like pushing someone just to pull them back from falling in the lake. haha, saved your life. except in this case it's haha i'm destroying your life and you can't do anything about it because i've made the electoral college my bitch with money from my campaign funds and they don't give a rat's ass care about what their constituents voted for.

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